Adult Friendships and Other Things People Don't Talk About
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This set of photos has been sitting in my "DRAFT" cue for quite some time now - almost 6 months to be exact! Maybe I was secretly hoping that this sweater would come back in stock (IT DID and I am 100% bringing it w/me to San Francisco tonight - shop it for under $100 here!) or waiting for the perfect post to come to mind. Nick shot these right before we had dinner with some dear friends, while I was in-between shows at NYFW last September - you can actually see the restaurant we went to in the last photo, Trattoria Spaghetto. See a list of my favorite places to eat and drink in NYC here.
Nick and I have been blessed with some amazing friends - both as couple friends, and individuals. That being said I've always been one to run with a smaller circle of people. I'm actually an introverted extrovert, so it takes me a little bit to open up and be myself. It's kind of weird, but I've found as I have aged, my circle has shrunk even smaller. I kind of touched on this on my post called The Particular Sadness of Birthday Cake.
So let me be frank. Adult friendships are flat out WIERD sometimes. There are a lot of factors, but probably the biggest is simply time. A lot of friendships from school days and college don't make it because people are moving on with their life. You know, friendships just kind of fizzle. I think this is super hard (or at least hard on me), because there's not a real reason why it ended. You know? Perhaps that's just my personality type? Recently, my friend Kami asked a group of us what our Enneagram Type was. If you're not familiar with the Enneagram System, you take a quiz and are slotted as one of nine personality types. It is similar to Myers Briggs or the DISC Profile test. You can take a test here. I've never taken a test where it sounded 100% like me, before the Enneagram. It was SO crazy accurate. I'm type 1: Reformer. Also called type 1: Perfectionist. I say this because my personality type is very hardworking and loyal, whereas I'm not the most spontaneous friend, I'm always there when you need me and am someone you can count on. Or I try to be. I love giving gifts, I love hosting, and I love listening and problem solving. Because I consider myself a good friend (cocky?? just keeping it 100) when friendships, or any relationship really, starts to disappear and I can't pinpoint a reason, I go insane. It drives me BONKERS; however, the really "hard on my self" characteristic of my personality kicks in and I start to think I'm not good enough and why would anyone want to be my friend anyway? Don't understand? Read the descriptions that I linked and it will help.
The other day I asked Nick if he had ever had any friendship ends whether they were bad endings or just odd, one sided fizzles and he couldn't really give me an example. I don't know. Maybe it's girl thing? Nick's personality is direct in times of conflict or confusion - he addresses whatever is going on in person if possible, and a phone call if not. I'mmmm not the best at this. Often I'm just like okay, well that's their decision and there's nothing I can do. *lights match, throws on bridge, walks opposite direction*. I'm not really sure why this is my reaction. If I had to guess it's because I've been through relationships -both romantic and non-romantic, where I didn't understand why it had to end and ended up wasting time and energy I could have been using to do other things like better myself or the community. All this to say that
1) your friends matter. you need a good community to thrive, no matter what you say. people need other people, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
2) make an effort with your friends. friendships are 2 way streets. make them feel important, loved, needed, and encouraged.
3) keep good company. you are a mixture of the people you surround yourself with. make friends with people who make you better. I touched on this when I wrote Date Someone Who Makes You Better a couple years ago. I said "date", but it works for friendships also.
Nothing *specifically* triggered this post - a whole lotta things from the past 5-8 years have been this post in the making, believe it or not. I hope this post leaves you
- feeling not alone
- welling with inspiration to help your current friendships flourish
- knowing that it's okay to leave toxic or one sided friendships
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24
P.S. Did you like my ramblings on this post? You'll probably enjoy these:
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