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A couple of months ago I polled you on Instagram for new Women in the Workplace topics and requests. To be honest, I thought the series was dying, but man oh man do I have some new things to cover thanks to you! I also have a handful of things to cover regarding losing your job and moving to a new city, but I’m going to wait a little while longer to discuss those. One of you mentioned the issue of greetings at the office, specifically with your male counterparts. The main concern being how to deal with tight, full frontal hugs. I resonated so much with this, so I’m excited to talk about it today!

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Before I get into that, I wanted to mention my outfit. It doesn’t have much to do with the topic today, though I will say, what a woman is wearing, should never determine how you treat her or how she wants to be treated. Ya feel me? Anyway, I wanted to share this dress on a WITW because though it is a spaghetti strap, it is one I would wear to the office, maybe with a blazer and a pump, or even with a long sleeved shirt layered under it. The length is great and it doesn’t cut too low. This is my Cali-chic styling of it. I added the red lip and leather to make it fun, but dressed it down with the silk scarf headband and the practical white sneakers. I’m actually posing with Nick’s longboard and got some lessons from him on the shoot. Hah! I don’t really like long boarding for same reasons I don’t like skiing or electric scooters. Here’s a fun video of my trying to long board, from TikTok! Side note, the only images or videos I could think of that would go with this topic was the hug yourself thing you did in middle school to pretend you were making out with someone. I went with this instead. Hah!

Alright back to today’s topic. I am not really a hugger. I think at one point my mom told me that I was like hugging a tree. I’ve gotten better since then, but I really only hug you if I know you. I am a big hand shake (the Texan in me??) and a serial side hugger. I will for sure give someone who is an acquaintance (someone I don’t know super well) a hug, but if it goes full frontal it is definitely a loose hug, meaning my neck goes in, but my torso basically scoots backwards. Maybe awkward, but I reallllly don’t care.

My biggest tip for navigating hugs vs handshakes is to READ THE SITUATION. I am one who gets anxiety about the greeting. Not only am more of an introvert, but like I don’t know you and I don’t really want to touch you. If I’m at a party with other girls and they are saying bye, I can usually anticipate the hug and not be weird about it. So for sure try and feel out what is going on. That being said, if you are with a male counterpart and the way he is acting around you feels gross or the sheer thought of hugging him is something you don’t want to do, then don’t.

HERE ARE WAYS I AVOID FRONTAL HUGS:

Stick out my hand. Command the situation and go in for the handshake. It is a respectable greeting and is safe, minus germs. Hah! But really, if you start the shake process first, they won’t typically go in for the hug.
When in doubt, side hug. If a hug is already initiated, you can change it by turning your body. They might think it is weird, but whatever.Do what is most comfortable for you. Loose frontal hugs (like I mentioned above) can work here too.
Give a wave. I love this move. If I’m not feeling it at all, I’ll give a goodbye wave to end the conversation.
Verbal Communication. I usually tack this onto the wave scenario, but it also works well alone. You can wrap up the conversation or meeting by simply stating so and mentioning next steps, etc. Super easy and effective!
Keep my hands full. I think this is my favorite tactic as it works pretty much anywhere.If you are going to a meeting, you can have your notepad, computer, coffee, etc in your hands and physically not be able to hug. Luggage, purses, coats, and water bottles work well too. I obviously don’t just leave. Hah! I typically say goodbye, give a little head nod and be on my way, no physical contact needed!

Okay so here are some situations I have been in and how I maneuvered them.

Story 1: Ex-Boyfriend - One time I knew I was going to see an ex-boyfriend somewhere, so I was mentally prepared. I was still in the trying to be nice phase, so I greeted him with a side hug. Needless to say he was not happy, but um excuse me? We broke up. No front hug for you!

Story 2: Older Male Work Contact - You know how people in different countries will greet each other with a kiss on the cheek? I do have some friends who greet like this, but again… THEY ARE FRIENDS. Also, I have had previous bosses who I’ve seen do this, but it is with women they have known for years and this is clearly a ritual greeting for them. Well, one of my work contacts (didn’t work for my company), came into town and had been drinking all day. He reeked of sweat and beer. Anyway, he came into the office and went in for the hug AND a kiss which I was not expecting at all. It was close to my mouth instead of my cheek, because I wasn’t ready for it. There are some people I know who do this and I can 100% navigate it because I know it is coming. But again… they are usually RELATIVES. If you are a co-worker, chances are no one wants your lips on or near their face.

Story 3: Boob Grab - So this isn’t a hug, but kind of? I was at a football game with my co-workers and a guy (who had been drinking), walked behind me, reached over, and grabbed my boobs. It all happened so quickly, so I didn’t know how to react. I turned around and looked at him and he said oh sorry, I thought you were someone else, but… there’s not a lot of other people with red hair, so yeah I’m going to call his bluff. I did tell HR, but probably not as fast as I should have, because again, it happened so fast. i think other things had gone on with him, but he didn’t work there for much longer… My point of saying this, is this is why hugs are a weird ground professionally. They can feel intimate and people think they can do things like this. Obviously he was drinking, but that isn’t an excuse.

Story 4: Social Event - This is just plain humorous. I was at a party with other influencers. I didn’t know everyone super well, but I had met everyone before. When I was leaving, I was hugging everyone goodbye, because that’s typically how influencers roll and I went to hug one girl goodbye and she kind of glared at me and STUCK OUT HER HAND. I mean you could say that her body is hers and she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to (because that is true), but in this situation it felt more mean and pointed, as it as in front of everyone. At the end of the day, it made her look bad, but it still hurt. And yes, I did go in for the handshake anyway. Hah!

Story 5: LA - Something I have noticed in LA is that after we have met people and are saying goodbye, the guy always reaches to give a handshake to Nick and then goes in for the hug with me. So what is this thought that women want hugs? It isn’t something I’m offended by, but a thought I think we should unpack, because women don’t necessarily want hugs instead of handshakes…. Food for thought for sure. (And this could happen other places, I just never noticed it in Texas.)

Story 6: My boss - When I left my company of 5+ years in May, I hugged my boss goodbye. I don’t think we had ever hugged before? But when I was leaving I was like “let me give you a hug”, because I was truly grateful for the opportunity and wanted to thank him. Was it kind of awkward? Yeah, but I felt like I should! I would call it a loose full frontal hug and I’m glad I did it. Even if I had just gotten back from the gym and was kind of sweaty. Hah!

Story 7: Yoga - The other week at yoga, a girl spoke to me after class and said what a good job I did. I thanked her and because I’m new here and trying to make friends, I asked her what her name was, told her mine, and stuck out my hand to shake hers. She kind of laughed and I think it is because a handshake is a very Texas thing? Not sure. Still glad I did it though - it made meeting her feel more official and I remember names better that way.

Do you have any tactics to help in these type of situations? Do share? Any stories you want to get off your chest? Tell away! Let’s help make each other feel more safe and not alone!

Are you a guy reading this? Just be mindful. Read the situation as well. Also, a professional handshake is always a good idea.

This is just a side note and not something I have expertise in, but my sister worked with abused youth, so I do have some insight. I have heard of parents not making their kids hug people and I really like the idea! You know when you’re at a store or even a family gathering and kids are moody and don’t want to hug? Don’t make them. If you make them it could teach them that grown-ups touching them and commanding them to do something is okay. Anyway to empower youth and proactively try to prevent abuse, I am all for it. ALSO, my bestie’s mom wrote a book called My Body’s Mine and it is excellent for this topic.